I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
