I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
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He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
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The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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