Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
This is my gift to your gina
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Randomize
