do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
