I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
