Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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