I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
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Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
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