Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
