I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
