I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
