It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
