Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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