She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
