Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
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