Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
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