I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
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