if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
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The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
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She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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