She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
