Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
