I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
