laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
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The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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