Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
I skipped work to stalk him.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
