I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
