i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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