my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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