i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
and you fell through a lawn chair
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
