My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
This is my life. Enjoy the view
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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