4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
You dont lie about slip and slides
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
