When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
