I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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