And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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