I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
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Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
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Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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