dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
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Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
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The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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