I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
not ubering you a puppy
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
