I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
