If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
