Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
