how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
