Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
