We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
