remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
