Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
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Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
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I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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