Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
