I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
