I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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