He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
