I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
