ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Randomize
