It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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