I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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