I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
