I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
