i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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