Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
