Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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