I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.