If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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