just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
