dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
